on the inside

Dear Heart,

As a child I was always getting caught staring out the windows of the classroom. I remember waking up to my third grade teacher slamming wooden yardsticks on my desk. Growing up in a Christian private school was something out of the ordinary since my family was never active within any church or religion. Growing up meek was never easy. Others around me saw a quiet yet goofy child. I always struggled keeping a straight face. Laughing has always been a comfort to me. I have always wondered what it would be like to go back to the place where I was raised. Although this seems such a place where strict rules were pounded into your head until the end of your days, my morals were just fine while I played in the mud with the worms. My mother is a woman based on hard work. She placed me in a Christian private school in hopes to keep me out of the trouble surrounding me at home. My father struggled with alcohol and my mother never knew if a sober man would miraculously appear. Attending AA meetings aimed towards the victims of those suffering emotionally by substance abuse was a strange place for a child, but I accompanied my mother to support the strength of the household.

I often wonder about the ideology of faith. Faith is what saved my father from his toxic addiction. Little did I know I would soon be gifted with the best father I could ever ask for. As of late, I am aware the power of his love for his family pushed him towards sobriety and I look at that as an honor. An honor so significant that I can only view the solidity within a family I respect for bestowing their daughter with a life she could never get enough of. After the private Christian school that raised me shut down, I was rushed along into the depths of public school where everything was much larger than what I was used to. There would be food in the cafeteria and lots and lots of chocolate milk. Kids were a lot louder and teachers were a lot less interactive. Shivering in the cold principal’s office, I was terrified. Nearly 500 kids attending this neighborhood school and I was only used to being around the 50 at the other joint. After the slap in the face of conjoining all of those kids, middle school was even larger. Although this experience was a lot more bearable seeing that I had been doused into the public education system where high school was honestly just a small stepping stone towards college. On the inside, it feels that I am in a constant state of growth. Every week is something different. Something new to conquer. Something new to experience. I have a dream of living in a world where everything I have ever known is right by my side. Every person I have met, every place I have visited, and everything I have learned has come to this. Waking up every morning full force getting closer to the day where I will look back on the days that seemed like an end. The days where I thought I would hyperventilate laughing so hard. The days where I would dream of the future, trying to get a sneak peek. Vulnerability is an art. On the inside, being vulnerable with yourself and everyone around you may be what has brought you to this moment. The moment where you realize you are finally getting the hang of it. Life is fucking crazy. But I kinda want more. With love,

Corissa