growing pains: entry 1

Dear Heart,

I’m am healing. My mind and thoughts are controlled by obsessive feelings and desires. The unreality controls me, and it is cruel.

If I am not accompanied by the gift of my own time… the time that i have to myself; I assume I am alone. The toxic impulsive thought re-enters my mind: “I will never be worthy of the love and acceptance of another.” I have always believed my origin to be of another planet. Somewhere very far from where I am today. Because someone like me is not someone a person looks at and decides to choose first. Always second. Because I am dramatic and ever wanting of a perfect unrealistic life.

With every thought, brings a reason. A reason why something has occurred. Why has this thing happened to me? How can I change what happened? How can I make someone see that I truly care? How can I completely cut off the thoughts that cause me to make impulsive decisions upon action?

As the Serenity Prayer explained to me as a young child sitting in on an Al-Anon Family Support meeting:

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the ones I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

There is no real explanation as to why horrible things happen to us; why we are put in strenuous situations that resolve in pain and suffering. The only thing that can bring us peace is to realize that we cannot change what happened to us, but we can change how we decide to move on; forward.

There are special people in our lives that we hurt. We hurt them and then bam. The instant regret. We are ashamed. This special person looks to us as someone they can trust; someone they can rely on to be there if they should ever need support. They relieve the walls they have built to welcome you into their sacred space. And if you were to ever hurt them, it would be a breech of any form of trust. It is not in our power for these special people in our lives to forgive us.

The courage that lives inside of you must make the decision to forgive yourself and move on.

Not everyone in this life is meant to be your #1 fan. We cannot please even nearly quite half of the population with anything that we decide to do. It is just not in our power to accomplish such a thing. No matter how much we pray or plead, no matter how many times that we apologize, and no matter how far we put ourselves out on the line. We do not hold the power to change a mind of another.

I am healing.

I am healing from the ones who I have hurt and the ones who have hurt me. I am healing from the situations in which I have felt unsafe or unwanted. I am healing from the obsessive thoughts that strike me to harm. I am healing from the years of broken promises I have left to myself. I am healing from being a witness of many broken hearts and fallen tears. I am healing from the growing pains of life.

If it is the growing pains of life that continue to teach us over and over again that we don’t hold the power over others and their decisions, then there should be no shame in holding that power over your own being.

Take that vacation. Wear that bikini. Take the damn job. Wear those heels to the club even though you KNOW your feet are gonna have hell to pay. Go to the gym, and don‘t let it slip your mind that you need to drink water in order to remain alive.

I could honestly rant on and on about this all day long. But my puppy is about to rip me a new one and tear off my finger.

P.S. Yes. I bought myself a damn puppy. Her name is Ollie and she is beautiful. Oh and yes, I will not forget about the two other beloved pups Cassie and Viv. I mean how could I when they are always begging for treats?

With Love Always,

Corissa