growing pains: entry 3

Dear Heart,

It has been a difficult long time. Stage fright and the fears of anxiety holding me back from being the purest version of myself. The expression of my inner self struggling for years to be able to shine for just a few minutes. Even a couple seconds would grant just a few moments of happiness and peace.

Being 13 and playing in a band; writing songs and discovering my love for music goes beyond deep. The excitement and dreadful feeling of making a 30 minute appearance on stage would give me night terrors and inadequate fears.

For years, distancing and neglecting myself from my music only fed the anxiety. I became triggered every time I set attention to playing guitar or singing. It became a struggle to even let out a few notes before I’d breakdown in tears. Struggling with feeling like an imposter and strangling myself from breathing freely as I struggled to gain independence from my anxiety disorder became a my new normal. My own normality to life.

Realizing how short life is and how tender the love of learning has become, I intend to combat the negative feelings and memories I hold towards music.

Thinking of the times I would tremble on stage disregarding the strength I held within myself sends me into an upsetting spiral. That is not what I have ever wanted for myself.

I am forever drawn to music and the strength of this draw is forever consuming to the point where I could never stop loving the art of music.

With Love,

Corissa